The Bible is Absurd Part III

JOHN:

-Jesus claims that Moses wrote about him. Where? It's a shame he didn't give us chapter and verse. 5:46

-After Jesus makes the foolish claim that those who believe in him will never die, his listeners reply, "now we know that thou hast a devil." 8:52

-The early Christians were the first communists, living a life that was the exact opposite of George Bush's "ownership society." 2:44-45

-Paul "was forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia." 16:6

-Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2

2 CORINTHIANS:

-Paul set an example for televangelists by robbing some churches. 11:8

PHILIPPIANS:

-Believe whatever Paul tells you to believe, think whatever he tells you to think, and do whatever he tells you to do. 4:9 James: Why? Because he says so.

COLOSSIANS:

-"The gospel ... was preached to every creature under heaven." 1:23 James: Except the Native Americans, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Africans, etc.

-"Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8 James: Yeah those great philosophers of American history such as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Paine were pretty evil and did nothing good for the United States and the world. Not to mention: Socrates, Thomas Hobbes, etc. For that matter, Jesus himself was a great philosopher!!--I don't believe he was the Savior of the World but a great philosopher and teacher, yes.

1 TIMOTHY:

-"Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies." If we follow this advice we would ignore most of the Bible -- especially the genealogies found in Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3. 1:4

-"Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8 James: I knew my doctor was full of shit!!!

-Paul advises us to stop drinking water. Rather, he says that we should drink wine for our "stomach's" sakes. 5:23 James: Yeah I always had a suspicion that water was bad for me lol.

-The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26 James: Well, if this is the case then why follow Jesus if the devil is going to win anyway??

TITUS:

-Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the bible, maybe? 1:14

JAMES:

-"If any of you lack wisdom ... ask of God ... and it shall be given him."
This is the verse that set the 14-year-old Joseph Smith off to found the Mormon Church. That is just an example of the type of wisdom God can give you. 1:5 James: Back when I was still Christian I prayed to understand Chemistry and Physics but never was given the "wisdom."

-James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7 James: I guess I don't have to fear lions then when I eventually make it back to Africa for a safari. I can just walk up to them and pet their fury hide. Pft.

-If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15 James: This is clearly absurd as we all know that not everyone who prayers to be healed is healed. It still amazes me that people pray at all.

-By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17 James: Yeah, it's called a drought. And why not 4 months or 3 and 1/4 months?? Three and a half years seems like a pretty random number.

2 PETER:

-The "angels that sinned" are the sons of God that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. (See Gen.6:4) 2:4 James: The author of 2 Peter was either clearly on mushrooms or pulling shit out of his ass. I'll venture to guess that it's the later.

-John thinks he is living in "the last times." He "knows" this because he sees so many antichrists around. 2:18 James: Dude, you were off by some 2,000 years and still counting.

1 JOHN:

-John says that all spirits that say Jesus is the Christ are of God. If so, then the "unclean spirits" in Mark's gospel (1:23-24, 3:11, 5:7) must have been of God. 4:2, 4:15, 5:1

-"God is love." See 1 Sam.15:2-3 for an example of what this type of love can do. 4:8, 16 James: "God" sounds like a wife/child beater. Someone who kicks the living shit out of you and then says but, "I love you. I'm doing this for your own good."

-Christians are "of God;" everyone else is wicked. 5:19 James: Yeah this is true. That Dalai Lama is pretty damn evil and wicked. Maybe he's the antichrist?? Pft.

-Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9 James: Oh really?? Seems to me like THE devil even Satan himself would be too busy to trouble himself with the body of a dead man. I thought he was more interested in people's spirits anyway??? Go figure--that wacky devil.

REVELATION:

-John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6 ."And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14 James: This guy could really have used some Seroquel. It certainly has helped with my hallucinations.

-"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10 James: Yeah it's called a shooting star.

-An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10 James: If John were alive today he would have been the kid who ate paste in grade school.

-Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4 James: So "God" tells us to "multiple and replenish the Earth"(which of course involves women). Yet in doing so we men won't be saved in the end days--an forget about women. They were screwed from "Eve's sin." Does "God" have dementia or Alzheimer's perhaps?? Maybe that's his whole problem. We need to find him a Divine nursing home.

-"They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17 James: Cannibalism is apparently "Godly."

-This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

-Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19 James: Well that's convenient for John's psychotic ramblings. No one can dare question his wild imaginations??

Most of the credit for this post (besides my comments of course) goes here.

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