The Bible is Absurd Part II

EZEKIEL:

-God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15

HOSEA:

- God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

ZEPHANIAH:

-God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12

HAGGAI:

-"The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8 James: Now "God." Greed is one of the seven deadly sins--even heathens like myself know that.

-"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3 James: Wow, rubbing dung in someone's face reminds me of something Tony Soprano would do. No wonder "God" is so violent and vengeful--he's the boss of the ultimate mafia!!

MATTHEW:

-There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the same. 1:6-16

-Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37

-"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26

-Ask, and it shall be given you."
Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8

-The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 Jn.4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29 James: That sounds about right.

-"Thy faith hath made thee whole."
If you have enough faith, you will never get sick.
(Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 9:22

-Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17

MARK:

-Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26

-"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25

LUKE:

-The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5

-Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30

-Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him.

-Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40

-"Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since he only named five of the Ten Commandments. (Notice that the five on Jesus' list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20

-Part III tomorrow.

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