Another Day, More Grey

Today is one of those days when it is a good thing that there isn't a gun in the house.

Not the best day as you can surely tell from the above mentioned reference to firearms.

I can hear everyone saying, "What's wrong?"

(sigh)

I'm not really sure exactly.

I'm just depressed and kind of "numb." Numb in the sense that I haven't felt good OR bad lately. I haven't really felt anything at ALL!! I guess the best way to describe this is that I am non-emotional. The only emotion that seems to crack this fog is depression (of course, right?)

Anyway, I went to my therapist today and my emotions were running high and low and zooming all over the place. As usual they ended up colliding like two commuter trains and the casualities were high. I felt apart and cried (as usual when I see my therapist). I was a total mess and I didn't know what to do. I just sat there and blubbered like a fool. My therapist wanted me to do some drawing on this sketch pad but I was already over on my time and I just wanted to leave. So I wrote my check out between tears and slunk my way down the stairs to my car. I then proceeded to cry most of the way home from my appointment.

I thought going to the therapist was supposed to make you feel better not worse. I guess It is going to hurt while I'm working through shit but that does not seem like it will change. I AM dealing with a severe and CHRONIC brain disorder after all. I will have to see a therapist probably for the rest of my life and so I will go through this cycle over and over again.

I'm a psychlogical hemophiliac.

The wounds come fast and furious and I can't stop the bleeding and before I know it I'm wounded in another way and bleeding even harder.

Well, I think I am going to take some more Lexapro and see what happens. Living with schizoaffective is like constantly living in some twisted game show where you are "spinning the wheel of psychosis" at every breath.

First spin: The prize?? A grand delusion where you think that you are God!!! Followed by an opposite delusion where you find yourself believing that you are the shit of the Earth!! Yey!!!!!!

Next spin: (I have to spin again??? I just spun the damn thing a minute ago) "Nature of the game son! Now spin the wheel before I take over your brain and force a gun down your throat."

(sigh) The second prize?? Extreme paranoia where you think that everyone is out to get you and you hide under the bed until you fall asleep from the exhaustion of worrying what every sound is outside.

Third spin: Drains your positive mood right down, out through your toes and leaves you wanting the sweet release of death!! Wooohoooo!!!

Anyway, you get the point and I know you're getting tired of hearing me rant and rave about this shit.

Gonna take another candy from the anti-depressant bottle and wash it down with some Sangria wine. Wish I had something better for you to read but ce la vie!! Oh and don't feel like you have to comment to help keep me alive or anything. I'm not going anywhere. I'm too weak or strong, (or whatever you want to label it) to kill myself. I'll be here tomorrow to write about some other inane or insane piece of material.

I'm off.


---End of Transmission---