Where do I start with all of this. Hold on tight because this is going to be a MASSIVE post.
Well, basically wednesday afternoon (here in the states) I had and appointment with my pdoc (psychiatrist) and I was REALLY depressed and REALLY down. I was crying and just felt like I had no hope at all and I told my pdoc that I just wanted to die and be away from my problem. He asked if I had a plan to kill myself and I said yes ( who doesn't right? Or at least, who has at least thought about it). Anyway, that was all that he needed to hear and he then said that he would increase the dose on my A.D. (anti-depressant) and that I should go over to the hospital and check into the pward (psych ward). I was so goddamn exhausted and fed up with life and my problems that I agreed and headed over to the hospital.
I sat in the emergency room for 5 fucking hours but I didn't really even notice (or care) about the time passing. Lori showed up and that helped to have her by my side but I was still out of it. Finally they decided that it was time to that I be sent to their mental ward a few blocks away. They said that I had to be transported via ambulence and they even strapped me down to a gerny (stretcher type deal) and everything! At this point I was sobbing and I was freaking out wondering what would happen to me.
I got to the hospital and the reality of what was going to happen started sneaking in once we passed through two sets of locked, double doors. Soon I was sitting at a table filling out in-take paperwork with some lady. I was already quite paranoid that everyone was out to get me and right about then this wacko lady walked up to me and started yelling at me about wanting to take my glasses. She got all in my face and was bug eyed and waving her arms around. Then she proceeded to say that she was God and that she wrote the Bible. If you thought I was paranoid that people where out to get me BEFORE then you can see how paranoid I was AFTER that confrontation!!
Well, then they left Lori and I alone for awhile and I ate some cold lasagna and some soggy cold bread and I was SO depressed you guys. My tears were falling into my already soggy food as I tried to eat. Then Lori and I sat in my room and both of us began to cry like little babies. I told her how scared I was and she said she was scared too. I was terrified to have to spend 72 hours in that place and I wanted to go home that night but the nurse said "NO WAY are you going home tonight." Soon it was time for Lori to leave and we both were a messing saying goodbye. Once she left I just asked for my meds so that I could go to sleep and get some peace for a few hours. Then (since I was on suicide watch) they had this big, male nurse pop his head into my room every 30 minutes throughout the night to check in on me. Needless to say that I didn't get the best sleep in my life.
Upon waking up I realized that I was in the wrong place and I set out to do everything in my power to get the fuck out of there. I talked to the pdoc in there and he agreed that I could probably be discharged that afternoon. I was so amazingly happy when I heard that I might be allowed to go home. I was terrified of that place and I was ready to go home. So then I had to spend the rest of the day with a bunch of REALLY looney people. Besides "God" there was this lady who said that she had two broken thumbs but she was able to open food packages o.k. and then there was this little Japanese girl who was a cutter and had cut marks into her arm all the way up to her elbow. I felt such empathy for these people and it was just so sad to see people that far gone. I hope that I never get to that point. Hopefully If I do then euthanasia will be legal by then.
So then, one of the social workers came by and talked and talked and talked to me so see If i was safe to be let go and I told that lady whatever she wanted to hear. I wanted out of that jail and I was going to do whatever it took to get home. Well, a little bit later my parents showed up and then my wife showed up and they said i was ready for my discharge interview and I told my parents and wife to play it up as best they could to help spring me. They did a marvelous job and they didn't exactly lie or anything but they just said that they felt I was in no real danger of harming myself but that I was just overwhelmed with our financial problems right now.
Anyway, to make a long story short I was set free and I was the happiest man alive. I couldn't get away from that place fast enough. Now I feel like I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after going through some 30 hours in that mental ward. I feel like I spent a night in jail with a bunch of really sick people (I mean, I realize that I am ill as well but DAMN!!). I feel like I was violated or something because I didn't feel like I was able to relax at home until I had a nice, long, hot (and private) shower in my own home.
But at least now I have some perspective. I have some big problems with my shizoaffective disorder but there are people out there in much worse situations. I know somehow someway our financial problems will end and I will get on disability or something. I think, however, that it will be awhile before I can wash that "icky" feeling out of my brain.
Let me just say this one final thing for now. DO NOT check into a mental ward if you can POSSIBLEY avoid it. It is not fun and it is not a vacation. If you are in real danger then by all means necessary, check in. Or if you doctor (like mine) pretty much sends you there involuntarily. It was a horrible, horrible experience you guys.
Thank you SO VERY MUCH for you kinds words. I cherish them all and I cherish YOU all as my dear, loving friends. Thank-you for your support of Lori and I as we wade through this experience. I am home but the problems still remain. Hope now that I can either get on disability of that I find some dream job.
I love you all.
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