I'm not doing very good today. Yesterday was a really good day but today has so far been pretty bad. This is how it goes when one is a rapid cycling schizo-bipolar. One day your up with the clouds and the next day your deeply low or fighting for your basic sanity. Today is such a day when I am fighting for my sanity. I've only been out of the mental hospital for 2 days and I am trying to keep from going back. I don't care how bad I feel I would rather curl up into a ball in the corner somewhere and just shake away until it all passes then check back into that aweful hospital.
I am experiencing a mixed state where I feel very depressed but anxious and edgy at the same time. It's like being ripped apart at the seams because there are two massive energies fighting for dominance within your skin and bones. Sometimes I go from depressed to manic in a matter of minutes. It's a nasty battle between the searing fires of mania and the drenching rains of crippling depression. This is the frontline folks. It isn't long before the two damaging forces tire of battling each other and turn to attack me the host. This is the twisting, aching, ripping apart of a mixed state. Usually there is nothing medically that I can do because taking medications can push it once and for all into a full blown manic episode or down into suicidal depression.
There is nothing pretty about this and I am only writing this all out to educate those who don't understand but also to show others that they are not alone. I took another 5mg of the anti-depressant Lexapro which now makes a full 20mg so we'll see if that helps or if it shoots me out of the blogosphere into the stratosphere. If I get too high I'll pop some Ativan to help bring me down I guess.
Sigh.
Ironing out the wrinkles and balancing out the mixed state is often a "wait it out" game that takes the rest of the day or into the next (and some people wonder why some people with brain disorders can not work!!).
I'm feeling very unmotivated to do much of anything and nothing really feels good. Although just now I was sitting on the couch watching Chinese television for awhile which was nice to zone out to. The program that I was watching was quite interesting. It was about these tribal people that live in the outter edges of China and how they have traditionally lived a nomadic, shamanistic life. This program then showed their transition to living in houses and a city that the government built. China seems like a really fascinating place and I would really enjoy visiting I think.
Anyway, wish me luck with the mixed state. I think I'll have some drinks later. Sometimes that helps push me out of it. I'll bounch back. I always do. I just don't know how to deal with the demands of society while this shit drags me along into intense chemical imbalance storms and the meat grinder of all my disorders.
The fire rages on.
Please let there be an answer someday someway. I just want some peace of mind knowing that I can work on my disorder without having to worry if our finances are going to keep us out of bankruptcy or put us on the streets.
---End of Transmission---
3 comments:
Awww Honey...i just wanna hug you till it all stops. There is so much reserach these days, ets hope some new med becomes availlable that REALLY WORKs. My heart breaks for you, Sweet Stuff. You are so lucky to have Lori...she really is an angel.
much love and good vibes..
you are soooo right about the public conceptions of bi-polar/schizo... my father-in-law has just come out of an institution which the evil mother-in-law had him committed to for a month. his situation is that he is in denial about his "disease", doesn't feel taking the meds is necessary and his wife doesn't give a shit about his well-being (and also suffers from some pretty serious mental problems herself).
if you know you've got it, and you've got the love and care of your Lori, you're half-way there, man! the streets are littered with those who've given up on themselves and their loved ones, and it's far worse begging for charity on some street corner than asking for the help of your family and friends... good luck where you need it!
I've noticed that you're into Buddhism. If you're feeling like your ripped out of your head, say Nam-Myo-Ho-Ren-Gay-Kyo sometime. It's a Nichiren Daishonin chant that is very mystical. Just say it over and over in your head or out loud if you want and see if it helps sometime.
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