The Cinema

I have a love-hate relationship with the cinema.

I love to hate it.

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Don't get me wrong, I do love to see certain movies as soon as they are released and some movies are just better when seen on the "big screen." However, there are many negatives to going to the cinema:

1). Having to cram into that damn "banana chair" with no leg room for two hours. OH they have tried to make them more comfortable but do not believe it! My legs always fall asleep and then I'm focusing on the "pins and needles" pain rather then the goddamn movie.

2). People who talk during the movie (This one is a growing trend for some reason). People fire off their goddamn pie hole about everything: "What's happening now?" "What other movies has that actor been in?" "I'm going to get some popcorn do you want anything?" (I'm always tempted here to pipe in "Yeah, bring me back some licorice and a gun. A loaded mother F**King GUN!!) Hehe.

2a). People who talk during the previews. This is only slightly worse then the people who yammer during the movie. People laugh and carry on during the previews like no one is paying attention. They act as if it is their own personal cinema where they can just talk it up. Again, a gun would come in handy here. Not to kill, just to fire off into the ceiling to shut people up with an ironic flare of "Hollywood."

3). Popcorn eating. This one drives straight up the fucking coconut tree!! Especially when people are sitting right behind you. They drive their hands down into the bag of popcorn like they are looking for the lost city of mother fucking Atlantis or digging for buried treasure! It's just popcorn for Christ's sake!! Of course the seating is not just BEHIND but ABOVE and BEHIND so their rustling through the bag is just about two inches away from your GODDAMNED EAR!!!!

4). My weak ass little girl bladder. I get about 15 minutes into the movie and my bladder starts doing gymnastics. Then I sit there about another 15 trying to decide if I should go to the bathroom or just try and hold it. Of course I end up having to go and then you have to stampede down the aisle like a goddamn loser saying "Oops!" and "Pardon me" when you're really thinking, "Move your fucking feet ass clown" and "I'm gonna step on your toes when I get back you lazy, rude dumb F***K. Then you have to decide if you give them the "crotch or the ass" ( as Tyler Durden would say in Fight Club. Excellent movie by the way) as you side-step down the aisle like an over-weight, off-balance, drunk ass ballerina.

5). Kids. This is why I hardly EVER go to the Disney movies when they come out in the cinema. I might as well be watching the movie with a bunch of monkeys who are throwing their shit at me AND the screen. Not to mention all the howling and talking that goes on during the movie. Then there are the people who could not find a mother fucking babysitter so they do the very wise and oh so "polite" thing and bring the 6 month-old parasite WITH them to the show. The hillarious thing is that they actually look SURPRISED when the poor kid starts crying during the first loud BOOM to errupt out of the surround sound speaker system.

6). Getting kicked in the back of your chair. This one is somewhat excuseable with the midget leg room they allocate to you but all the same it pisses you off when someone does it ALL THROUGH THE ENTIRE MOVIE!! What are they doing back there? Playing football? Perhaps a little gymnastics?? Or many they are just doing it on purpose like my paranoid brain likes to think. Sometimes I SERIOUSLY think thats SOME people come to the movies JUST to wreck havoc with me (YOU know who you are!!! YOU!!!!).

Anyway I think that's about it.

Let me know in the comments section if I missed anything.


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