Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Law and My Brain Problems

I'm up to my neck in reading for school this week. I am not so sure I want to be a paralegal and this is only the second week of the semester in a year long program!

God, I am pathetic.

I don't think I am going to be able to hold down any kind of job (I haven't been able to in the past). All I can do well is be a "stay-at-home" husband and artist. Too bad those things do not pay the bills.

I've thought about applying for disability because of my schizoaffective disorder and I think I am going to go ahead and apply while I'm still trying to figure out this paralegal program. That way I will have a plan of action If I can't make this law thing go. The thing that sucks about disability though is that it doesn't pay very much so I don't know what to do. So much for the theory that some people have in that people on disability are "living high on the hog" on someone else's "dime."

I thought I could do this paralegal thing but I am already over-whelmed and feeling like I made a HUGE mistake.

I would probably kill myself but I am a Buddhist so I would just have to come back and do it over again.

You just gotta love how the mentally ill just seem to fall through the cracks. I can't seem to do anything and yet I have to do something. I am on 5 different medications and yet I still can't get out into the "real world" and do "normal" things like everyone else.

It is hard to get any sympathy from people when you are mentally ill. They look at you and say stuff like, "You look fine to me!" As if mental illness is represented by having a gimpy walk or your eyes constantly rolling back in your head. If I was paralyzed from the neck down It would be no problem getting on adequate disability and receiving sympathy/understanding from the average person.

Having a brain disorder is different. You get blown off and "swept under the rug."

*sigh*

Oh well. That's my vent for today. I'm not in a very good mood as you can probably tell.

Please, don't send me any snide remarks or jokes about this post. I'm in a vulnerable place right now and I might have to ban you from my blog if you do.

Sorry, it's just that I am very, VERY frustrated today with old problems and obstacles that never seem to go away. I need to vent and this is as good a place as any.



---End of Transmission---

6 comments:

Alekx said...

James just keep hanging in there day by day. It's the best that any of us can do. Unfortunatly you have to cling to that daily rope a little harder then the rest of us but you've been doing it so far. Just make it through today, then worry about tomorrow when tomorrow becomes today.
Hugs

Jerzy said...

Just Hi to an interesting person. :)

Mathieu said...

It's never a mistake, it's always an experience, even if you don't get the sheepskin.

If there's anything we can do, you have but to ask.

Avec toute mon amitié,

Mathieu

L.L.E. said...

that's how i felt when i was taking those online classes a few months ago and the main reason why i didn't go ahead with nursing school this month too. i hate the comments about "taking the easy way out" in regards to my applying for disability too. (((((((((((((((james)))))))))))))))))))))

Kitten said...

How did I miss this post! I am soo sorry for what your going thru...I hope the drugs can make a diff, sweet-stuff, and off course, we are all here for you, tooo! Vent away! I am a recovered anorexic...so I know a little bit about mental illness....I spent 7 months in the psych hospital .....people cant tell jsut by looking at you...and even though I could stand to lose some weight now, i still feel the lack of control..does that make sense? Art is theraputic ..stick with it....I wish you peace , my friend. Sorry if this is rambling and doesnt make sense....kids are driving me nuts...in the house because its zero out...they need to run off some steam..and I need some valium!

Mrs Groovy said...

Hi James, I'm a friend of LLE. I currently collect disablity for my mental illnesses. They base the pay on whatever your last job pay was, just like unemployment and while its not a lot its better than nothing. Its there for a reason and they (social security) can help you with other things as well. Good luck in getting it!