Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Lavender Scented Snow

This post will have a nice, soft lavender scent to it as I have just lit some lavender incense. I find this particular scent to be quite relaxing. It is said in many herbalist circles that lavender is condusive to relaxation.

Breathing in .... I am alive. Breathing out....I am home (This is one of my favorite lil mantras from the Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh. Read his books, any of them. They are life-chancing and easy to read).

It's snowing outside and I couldn't be happier.

Snow always slows everyone down and forces the pace around town down quite a bit. Smoke from the incense billows, curls around on itself and dances slowly as if aware of the subtle energy of the day.

A close second to the slowed pace is the silence that snow brings. The snow acts like a soft blanket that muffles all the harsh sounds that usually keep me on edge. It is as if the city has been swallowed up in a massive sound proof room.

Breathing in....lavender. Breathing out...serenity.

Its as if the world is on pause during the snow fall and we are barely moving ourselves. Slow motion. This winter storm has me thinking about death and life. Winter is after all the death cycle in the seasons and reincarnation of life occurs of course in the spring.

Yey! As if fulfilling my wishes and desires the snow is coming down harder and in bigger flakes.

I digress as usual.
Becoming easily distracted and following any path and charming lane that appears in front of my mind. But something more serious calls on me today...

Death.

I was thinking about this again last night (which is not uncommon for someone w/ the schizoaffective disease). This time, however, it was thinking upon it in a reflective way and I was inspired to write about it today from reading a similar post about death on Banjk's Bipolar Blog,"Reincarnation Happens Everyday" post.

I was talking with the wife about everything I have been through and how many times I have walked to the edge of this life, stuck a toe out into the cold, silent abyss and come back. In the past I have been able to keep myself from falling into the gravitational pull that I feel from that abyss by my strong will power but that time has come and gone. My will power has reached it's breaking point last winter and I knew that I needed to get some extra help or I would be dead within days.

Like syrupy sweet candy on my lips; I could taste death and it tasted good.

For the first time in my life I was truely scared and worried that I would not be able to come back from the edge. I told myself then and there that I would check into a hospital. Well, in the mean time I met with this Dr. Chitters and he just so happened to be one of the best doctors in this region for brain disorders (I know this because I have been to just about every other one).

And now I am on 5 medications that literally keep me alive.

Now you are up to date on what is going on with my brain and why I even mention insanity in the title of my blog. It is a razor's edge that I dance on between genius and insanity and often times I find myself balanced in the grey matter in between these two places.

Blurred yet balanced in a crazy sort of way.

And so this was the situation that presented itself to me while talking with my wife about death and suicide. I was remarking how amazing it is that 5 little pills are keeping me alive. The mystery and awesome nature of modern medicine goes about its work in silence.

Ah, silence.

And we come back full-cirlce.



---End of Transmission---


4 comments:

kt said...

Don't underestimate your own contribution, darlin'... Your wife sounds like a pretty amazing lady, btw.

Am jealous of the blanketing snow... my sleep was shattered by screaming school kids messing around outside. Oh for some snow to keep them indoors.

L.L.E. said...

i've tried lavendar and i can't stand it. maybe i should experiment with different ones. wondering how you function with five meds when i can barely form sentences with four. (((((((((((((((((james)))))))))))))))))) my hug for the day.

Kate said...

Wow, I cannot begin to contemplate what it must be like to need 5 medications to keep me alive. But so much better that than the other place. I extend my warmest sympathies to you James - and yes, as kt said, your wife must indeed be a wonderful woman. Keep strong, keep painting and above all, keep posting!

Hugs to you.

james said...

Thank-you one and all for the hugs. I give them back to you ten-fold ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))). And yes, my wife is an amazing woman. She is my best friend and an Angel. People that say angel's do not exist have not met my wife. She is my soulmate (sigh).