Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Schizo Wednesday

I've been having some rough mental days lately. I am really worried that the new med's that I started recently are already pooping out on me. I've been feeling really out of it to say the least. I've really been strongly feeling the dissassociative aspect of my illness. I am spending a lot of time "out of my body" and having a hard time concentrating on what people are saying and basic, normal tasks such as cleaning the house and getting the oil changed. I have to get the oil changed today and I am just so nervous about it. Getting the oil changed is one of the most nerve-racking activities for me because I don't know a lot about cars and I have to interact with people about it.

Plus, i'm depressed about a lot of things right now too. I am gaining weight from my medication and that is really upsetting. I am going to try and get my ass into the gym but that is intimidating too. I have such a problem with motivation. I think of a lot of things that I should be doing but I just can't get myself to do them. It is like my body doesn't respond to the desires of the brain and it gets SO damn frustrating. I am depressed about my Mormon family still and I don't know If i'll ever talk to my oldest brother again. He hasn't sent me an email concerning our on-going discussions in a while so I think he's just blowing me off. Whatever I guess but it just makes me so mad that this religion has split my family in such a terrible way. I am reading a book right now that discusses Mormonism in a fascinating and enlightening way. I know the stories in Mormonism by heart from being brain washed with them growing up but I have never really heard the other side to them. I have never really heard a true historic account of them and this book (among others) is shining a fuller light on the religion that I now see as a well- crafted cult. The book is titled, Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith. I highly recommend it if you are at all interested in the Mormon religion.

Anyway, on with the ramble. I am about to start my online classes soon and I am actually looking forward to them but I don't know how I'll ever translate that into actually entering the work place. How terrifying. I guess i'll "cross that bridge when I get there" to use a tired, old cliche. I am experiencing suicidal tendencies and thoughts again lately. I'm not really thinking about it in a depressed way but rather more from a utilitarian way. I just don't feel like I am going to ever find any peace or anyway to feel "settled" into society so I find myself drifting off and thinking what it would be like to "move on." That being said, however, there are a lot of things about life that I still really enjoy. I really like my plants and my friends and I enjoy this blog a lot too. My paintings are another reason to stay I think too.

Well, I think that is all for now. I wish it was more of a positive and happy post but this is my brain right now. I think I am going to go read my book for awhile. Take care friends...

---End of Transmission---


kt said...

James, even the way you are expressing yourself on this blog and the fact so many people respond so well to you here shows there most definitely IS a place for you in society.

Don't judge yourself by the way you interact with strangers (and hostile family members) but with the people who understand you. That's a fair assessment for anyone's life!

Enjoy your classes and don't worry about how they will translate to 'the working world'... I don't like to think about that either :)

Much love - and keep your chin up m'dear!

L.L.E. said...


L.L.E. said...

your much are you selling the 'manic depression' one for? you can email me @ my regular email address or moodymom@[spamsucks!]

Meredith said...

I love the way you're able to express yourself here, james. You do it so very well. With my mystic heart, I open it to you. So many reasons to go on living, even though life has these rough edges.