I've been having some rough mental days lately. I am really worried that the new med's that I started recently are already pooping out on me. I've been feeling really out of it to say the least. I've really been strongly feeling the dissassociative aspect of my illness. I am spending a lot of time "out of my body" and having a hard time concentrating on what people are saying and basic, normal tasks such as cleaning the house and getting the oil changed. I have to get the oil changed today and I am just so nervous about it. Getting the oil changed is one of the most nerve-racking activities for me because I don't know a lot about cars and I have to interact with people about it.
Plus, i'm depressed about a lot of things right now too. I am gaining weight from my medication and that is really upsetting. I am going to try and get my ass into the gym but that is intimidating too. I have such a problem with motivation. I think of a lot of things that I should be doing but I just can't get myself to do them. It is like my body doesn't respond to the desires of the brain and it gets SO damn frustrating. I am depressed about my Mormon family still and I don't know If i'll ever talk to my oldest brother again. He hasn't sent me an email concerning our on-going discussions in a while so I think he's just blowing me off. Whatever I guess but it just makes me so mad that this religion has split my family in such a terrible way. I am reading a book right now that discusses Mormonism in a fascinating and enlightening way. I know the stories in Mormonism by heart from being brain washed with them growing up but I have never really heard the other side to them. I have never really heard a true historic account of them and this book (among others) is shining a fuller light on the religion that I now see as a well- crafted cult. The book is titled, Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith. I highly recommend it if you are at all interested in the Mormon religion.
Anyway, on with the ramble. I am about to start my online classes soon and I am actually looking forward to them but I don't know how I'll ever translate that into actually entering the work place. How terrifying. I guess i'll "cross that bridge when I get there" to use a tired, old cliche. I am experiencing suicidal tendencies and thoughts again lately. I'm not really thinking about it in a depressed way but rather more from a utilitarian way. I just don't feel like I am going to ever find any peace or anyway to feel "settled" into society so I find myself drifting off and thinking what it would be like to "move on." That being said, however, there are a lot of things about life that I still really enjoy. I really like my plants and my friends and I enjoy this blog a lot too. My paintings are another reason to stay I think too.
Well, I think that is all for now. I wish it was more of a positive and happy post but this is my brain right now. I think I am going to go read my book for awhile. Take care friends...
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