Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Feeling Disassociated but with Mystical Love

Ever get that feeling that you are not apart of society? That you are not even apart of the human race? I get that feeling all the time. It is as if I am an alien that was plopped down onto Earth and now I'm trying to figure out how to exist and get along in this world. Often (most days) my "spirit" is off somewhere else while a small fraction of my energy is left to "run the body." It is like a secretary is left to run the office while the boss is out exploring other worlds and experiences. It is apart of my illness that is probably the most difficult part to deal with because I have a very hard time relating to the "real world" and doing the things of every day life. I think that is because a lot of our life is wasted on silly tasks and inane activities to keep us from feeling what we need to feel. And to keep us from going where our spirits need to go in order to learn and advance in this great project of love that we call "existence." I always space out when i'm talking to certain people about certain things and then I freak out when I come back a few minutes later and have NO idea what the hell they are talking about!! Yikes!

Anyways, that is how I felt yesterday and this morning. I guess part of it is that I find everyday discussions to be boring and circular. I prefer the indepth, growing, productive, deep, passionate discussions of life, spirituality and love. I had such a discussion with my dear friend Holly yesterday. She is a kindred spirit for sure and I love talking with her.

My therapist said that I need to go up on the Risperdal but I don't think so and I am going to bring that up to my p-doc. I do think I need to go up on the Trileptal though because I've also been miserable with the depression again. It makes me so sad and depressed to see so many in the world sad and full of hate and fear.

All this being said, I don't want you to think that I am constantly miserable because I am not. I am actually the opposite. I feel so full of love toward everything and everyone that I often feel like I am going to pass out or just stop breathing from the joy. I get miserable often because I do not see that same level of intense love out there in the world but I still love the world anyway. There are a few (like my friend mentioned above) that I run into that I can see and feel that same level of intense love and acceptance. There is nothing that seperates us in this world except our ignorance. I especially love plants and animals who are without guile or shame. They are just being their beautiful selves. I personally feel that love is the most import thing we can do in this life. To love others deeply and allow them to love us in the same way back. These are our biggest obstacles: fear, shame, guilt and jealousy. If we can make good head-way in over-coming those things then we can well be on our way to liberation and true happiness in this lifetime.

There is no "right and wrong" most of the time. We are all right. There is a level of existence where all labels and hibitions fall away and we are left with the beautiful, pure light of love and peace. We all want to be happy and feel loved. So know that I am loving you right now in this moment. I am sending off soft, loving, accepting energy to you right now is this moment. You are never alone. No one is ever alone. "God" is always with us. In everything and everyone. There is no wrong way to feel the infinite love of the Infinite One. You simply have to open your heart and it begins to flood in.

All things are interconnected and we are all closer then we realize most of the time. This world is a very crude and harsh place a lot of the time so it is vital that we protect, nurture and share the deep love that we do have with others. In this way I think we can best help the world heal from its wounds and make it a better place to live and raise our families.

Anyway, that is kind of the update on my illness and how I'm feeling about the world. I can feel the Celexa kicking in and I'm hoping that it will help me stay happy and focused today.

Love, light and peace to you all.
-james


---End of Transmission---

2 comments:

Meredith said...

Dear james,
You probably could have guessed that this post would draw a comment from Meredith. I love this side of you, man! You resonate with me so clearly with this post. You may feel down, but somewhere between these lines is a joyful side of you, too. There is a shimmering quality to a sad/joyful heart, and you have this. "I feel so full of love toward everything and everyone that I often feel like I am going to pass out or just stop breathing from the joy." And it stems from feeling deeply, honoring that place in you that is connected to all things, all people, Existence. Your words are like music to me: "To love others deeply and allow them to love us in the same way back. These are our biggest obstacles: fear, shame, guilt and jealousy. If we can make good head-way in over-coming those things then we can well be on our way to liberation and true happiness in this lifetime." This is the message that we must share, and share fully. It is the path to peace.

Regarding relating to "the real world", and dealing with your illness, it does sound like a challenge. I'm guessing that your writing is a great source of relief to you, as well as having friends out there who love you so much. Friends who are willing to go to that deep, passionate discussion of life, spirituality and love. This is what matters most in the real world.

Love and peace to you, dear Friend,
Meredith

L.L.E. said...

It must be overwhelming to feel that kind of all-consuming love. Some of us, I think, are not capable. ((((((((((James)))))))))))