I am not in a good mood today. I can't quite put my finger on it but I feel like shit. It's like someone just killed my puppy or something. I hate having a mental illness but that's my reality. It's like having this other person move in and take over my brain. And this other person moves in with a depression, crazy thoughts and a shit-load of phobias and fucked up baggage. Everything is getting on my nerves today. The slightest noise or ruffle of papers sounds like fire crackers going on right next to my ear. I should probably take some Ativan and calm my shit down but we are going out in a bit and I can't be all bombed and falling asleep @ 5pm in a public restaurant with my friends. "Hey James, wanna another drink?" JAMES: "Zzzzzzz....What?! Who?! Ummm...huh. Zzzzzzzz"
I hate going out to public places. I always get so paranoid and totally over-whelmed with the stimuli associated with stores and restaurants. Everything is loud, in your face and totally chaotic.This a direct result of the A.D.D and the schizoaffective disorder. I can't screen anything out so I am always being bombarded with sounds and sights and people. Yesterday my mom and I went out to lunch at this local Mexican restaurant and I was so distracted with everyone else talking that I couldn't hear and understand what my mother was saying. It was like I could hear every single person talking and understand what they were saying all at the same time. I felt like I was sitting at this large table where everyone was talking super loud all while my mom was talking. The other thing is that it sounded like these people were all talking two inches away from my ear.
I use to get totally freaked out driving around town thinking the FBI was after me. That doesn't happen so much anymore but I still look in the rear view mirror now and then. I wish that I could trade my brain in for one that didn't take off on me and do its own damn thing.
Whenever I go to stores like Wal-mart I always think that people are looking at me and can get inside my head. I freak out thinking they can read my mind and that I rush out of the store as fast as I can. Plus, I hate the crowds of people that gather in these stores. People push their carts around the store as if they were driving in a NASCAR race and nearly run you over. I feel like we are all ants moving around looking for scraps of food. Humans scurrying around like cockroachs and sometimes it just makes me sick. I just get disgusted with how parasitic we can be sometimes.
I get so goddamn anxious when I know that I am going out somewhere later. Even if it is something fun with people I adore I get all worked up that I won't be able to keep my shit together in front of them and the public. I constantly worry that I am going to loose my lucidity in public some day. Like I'll just trip out and have to get up and walk out the door for no apparent reason.
I went yesterday to see a new therapist but the lady wasn't there in her office when I got there. So I waited around for 15 mintues and then called my wife to ask her what I should do. Well, turns out that the lady had to take some patient to the hospital. Lori had tried to call me en route to tell me so that I wouldn't have to drive the whole way (It's like an hour drive up to Boulder where this lady's office is located). So, anyway. I didn't get the message because I didn't have our new cell phone turned on. I am still trying to get the hang of it and so I missed her message. The thing that pissed me off about it all though was that the therapist lady didn't apologize at all for having to cancel the appointment. God, I get serious shit and billed If I cancel an appointment 30 mintues ahead of time. I would have liked a small apology and maybe a note on her office door when I got there to explain the situation. As it was I was sitting in the little waiting room freaking out wondering where the hell she could be. I was panicing thinking that I was in the wrong office building. Her office is in one of these huge complexes where all the buildings look the same.
Its seems like my favorite thing to do anymore is just sit by myself in silence and zone out. Anyway, that's what's on my mind today. Don't freak out or anything. This is what I deal with on a daily basis and I justed needed to write some of this shit out.
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