A Long Ramble

O.k., I am going to just yammer on about random stuff so click away now if you don't want to read the misguided musings of my damaged brain. The first thing on my mind is my mood stabilizer, Trileptal. This stuff works stronger then a bipolar, starving student with 4 jobs on a manic streak. I feel more balanced now and not so torn apart into a million pieces. This is the first mood stabilizer that has actually allowed me to feel this way. I have gone through so many different meds and doctors-it was totally discouraging. What a relief to finally re-assemble all of those pieces together into a relaxed and stable life. I have seen 11 different psychiatrists before I finally found one that knew what was going on. This new doctor is very knowledgeable about the specifics to my illness and has given me the first drug cocktail to work since I've been diagnosed.

I still feel like I am in my body but outside my body at the same time but that will probably never fully go away and in some ways I do not want it to go away. It allows me a connection with the universe and spirituality that is very intense and beautiful. I have always been very in-tune with the mystical side of life but It has been weighed down by the illness for a lot of years. Thus, I have always felt it but not as fully as I was meant to feel it. So, now I am freed again to fully experience the mystical reality that is existence. Yesterday I had a beautiful day in staying connected to the Infinite, united consciousness of Reality. I was driving around the city of Fort Collins running errands when I experienced a switch in vision and perception. This usually happens to me at least once a day. Its as if someone gives me x-ray glasses or touches my brain in a way that allows me to view things in their totality and True Reality.

All things are interconnected and extensions of each other and I was reminded of that while driving around town. It was a rather windy day and the leaves were flying around all over the place. I was stopped at a red-light when this switch happened. I began to view the leaves as little pixies dancing to the music of the wind. It was so beautiful to watch these gold, purple and red leaves dance and float in such a delicate and acrobatic way. Then I looked up and watched the trees swing and sway in the wind. Bending and giving to the wind in a balance and harmony that made me smile. The wind was like the yin energy and the trees were like the yang energy. Both interacting and moving according to one another's energy and divine presence. I then fixed my attention on the cars turning and moving in the opposite direction as they flowed with the energy and yin of the green light. There I sat still in my car with the yang of the red light. Everything moves. The universe is in constant movement and change. Everything on every level of existence is in some form of movement or change. The Buddhists say that we float like a leaf on the river of life.

Breath In....Breath out. You are alive.